If I Were a Cool Kid

For my birthday I received the perfect gift, a gift card. The giver can make a gesture without really committing. It reminds me of the Asian custom to graciously receive a gift without opening it in public. The shame and disgrace of letting pass a slight but uncontrollable wince when you see it’s a tasteless Walmart reject is unbearable for everyone, and must be resolved through self-immolation at a minimum. Thank goodness this gift card was from Amazon, so I could rack up more items from my old wish list without the need for senseless self-destruct just because I’m quietly picky. My Amazon Wish List has gotten dusty, considering how it can take me years to go ahead with purchases, but I was able to go deep and dig up some good material. By an interesting coincidence, I bought a bunch of records (The Clash, Siouxsie, Gang of Four) from right around 1979, when I was a kid. It makes me wonder what could have been if I were savvy and loaded with spending money when I was eleven.

Just to give you an idea of the real me at eleven, I remember I was heavily influenced by my close relatives and for some reason they really got into Queen. Looking back, that’s pretty messed up, but I liked it. Otherwise I was dabbling in Abba, the Bee Gees, and Alice Cooper. Can I immolate myself now? From where I stand today, the really cool bands from the end of the 70’s were the post-punk, proto new wave experimental and goth bands like Simple Minds, Siouxsie, Bauhaus, Joy Division, and Echo & The Bunnymen. One of the records I retrieved from my wish list, Gang of Four – Entertainment!, blows my mind now for being so tight, catchy, and punk. I can’t imagine getting into this kind of music when I was a kid, or even having access. Where would I find it? From my mobile home in extreme rural Washington? In the Hi-Fi LP section at Kmart? Xanadu with ONJ/ELO was cutting edge to me then. In some kind of freakish time traveling travesty could I go back and set myself straight on what I should like? Would that make me cool, change my life, and set me up for success? Probably not. I’d likely (inexplicably) fall in with the crowd of kids, hundreds of miles away, who were wearing leather jackets studded with safety pins, recreationally drugging, torturing cats, and despairing about Thatcher England. Abba really made for a happier childhood I think.